suzy needs a role model but has a good recipe

a friend of mine is getting married next summer -- actually two friends of mine are, but i was only talking to one of them -- and it came up in conversation that she felt the same way i do. we are both twenty-something, both driven career-wise to make good choices and hopefully find something both fulfilling and worthwhile, both desparately in love with the idea of making a home, and both completely unsure as to how to go about that.

"i want to be the kind of woman who has a great career and makes a difference, but also be home all day making cookies," she said (or something close; she'll forgive me the paraphrase).

why, i wondered to myself and to her, is it so hard to believe the things we want are compatible? and why do we want things we consider incompatible in the first place?

it's pretty much entirely the reason i started writing this blog. i have never been so confused in my life as about a month after i got married and started a new job. i was happy with my marriage, and happy with my job, but unsure how to make them fit together. i wanted nothing more than to make our new apartment a home. it's the first apartment we've ever had to ourselves, the first time for both of us that we don't have roommates, and therefore the first opportunity to really claim a space and make it our own.

i have my very own kitchen, my very own pots and pans that no one else will spoil by using metal spatulas on non-stick surfaces, our very own very small living room to decorate... but then, it turns out that even on weekends, the last thing i wanted to do with my free time was think about decor. i wanted to read, i wanted to spend time with my husband, i wanted to learn exciting new recipes that would actually turn out edible.

and there's another part of the rub. i feel defensive about how good my relationship is. when did that become something to be ashamed of? i mean sure, we've had very rocky moments, but we've had very good ones, and the good ones outweigh by far the rough ones. and i'm not talking about yelling matches, or declarations of hate and frustration. i'm talking about quiet conversations where we both attempt to put into words things that are difficult to say, without unduly hurting each other.

i am inclined to blame it on society -- sex in the city, friends, and then all those terrible family life sitcoms like everybody loves raymond and married with children, where everyone is miserable all the time and the good moments are just icing on the misery cake.

but then again, i've never actually sat down and watched an episode of sex in the city. i have watched a decent amount of friends, but the show stopped when everybody got married/serious so who knows what their relationships would have been like. i have a deep and abiding hatred for ray romano, so that may be more to the point than my attempt at social criticism.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'd love a role model. my marriage is nothing like my parents, and my mother truly was a homemaker and housewife, so not much help there. and while i can come up with tons of examples of relationships or women that are not helpful, i can't come up with a single one that is.

so while i'm elbow-deep in mushrooms, preparing to make and share a new and exciting recipe from above-mentioned friend, and meanwhile juggling six different projects at work, i guess i'll try to make some time to go role model hunting in there somewhere.

here's to my favorite in-the-kitchen role model!

Ruth's Mushroom Soup
adapted from Comfort Me with Apples

1/2 lb whole mushrooms (i've been using white ones, but i think any will do)
1/2 stick butter, unsalted
1 small onion, diced
4 tbs flour
1 1/3 c beef broth
3/4 c half and half (i believe the original recipe called for 2 c half and half and 1/3 c broth)
salt and pepper
1/4 tsp nutmeg

-thinly slice mushrooms
-dice onion
-melt butter in deep pan over low heat
-after foam subsides, add butter and saute until golden
-add mushrooms and saute until brown
-stir in flour, SLOWLY, distributing evenly and stirring immediately
-add broth VERY SLOWLY, stirring constantly
-heat half and half, then add
-add spices
-cook over low heat for 10 minutes; do NOT let boil

enjoy!

suzy falls in love

i dreamed about mushrooms last night.

soft, white, pillowy button mushrooms replaced my pillow and then dared me to eat them. big meaty portabellas wafted through the air, borne on their own aroma. shiitake mushrooms danced in the corner, bowed and then scurried off. varietals that i must have made up, because those are the only types of mushrooms i can identify, whirled round me in the finest display of fungal acrobatics ever seen in dreamland.

i blame ruth reichl.

ever since reading Comfort Me with Apples, i have become obsessed with her recipe for mushroom soup (which i promise to post later, right now i don't have access to the book). i have made it twice. the first time i discovered that i was hesitant to follow it to the letter--that much half and half is more likely to prevent me from enoying something than enriching the experience for me. so i put a little more broth in, much less half and half, and stirred with a worried frown. i did not let it boil, and followed all of her instructions to the letter.

except for the one about not putting the mushrooms in until the foam from the butter has dispersed. how long does that take? what heat does that take? i almost burned the butter before i gave up on that step.

it didn't matter. it was amazing.

the second time i made it, i followed my little alterations. but then, to my shame, i let it boil. just a little, and just very briefly, and my defense is that i was finishing the book at the same time, but still.

it didn't matter. it is amazing.

i have never dreamed of food before, much less gone to bed smelling it (hours after i had last touched the stuff), woken up craving it, and thinking about it in between.

this food is, for me, what i imagine crack is for other people.

i am in love...

suzy gets a self-esteem boost

so i've been completely taken over by the need to read food writing -- calvin trillin, ruth reichl, ed levine... that is, i would read some ed levine if only the library had it. i am severely handicapped, in fact, by the library system. so far i've managed to unearth Garlic and Sapphires, Comfort Me with Apples, Feeding a Yen, and The Tummy Trilogy, but that seems to have exhausted the possibilities.

of course, part of the problem is that i have no idea who to look up in the catalog. i love my library, it has been very good to me. i just don't know where to look (or at least, that is what i will assume until further notice).

hopefully some diligent online research will tell me who else i should read. it will be hard to find someone to match the insights of reichl and the down-to-earth humor of trillin, but it can't hurt to try.

but i digress. last night, as we sipped our (cheap but tasty) wine and watched Leaving Las Vegas (cinematography: excellent; direction: pretty good; acting: great except for elizabeth shue), my husband turned to me and said:

you know, if someone had told me that getting married would mean eating at a four star restaurant every night, i would have done it a lot sooner. i hope you know how much i love your cooking--i feel like maybe i don't express that.

i am, quite possibly, the happiest woman alive. despite the stomach virus and interminable mediocre dishes of cous cous, i am appreciated and making some progress with my cookery.

the recipes that provoked this outpouring of support? tune in next time...